Dear Sydney,
We hear you've developed a bit of a drinking problem. It's so bad, in fact, that you can't even get a drink any more – or at least not at a civilised hour (say, 3.01am).
Nor, it seems, can you buy wine after 10pm, or perhaps even by the glass, if reports of police questioning a restaurateur over his "antisocial" wine list are to be believed. And there's that whole no-kebabs-after-midnight debacle. Civilisations have toppled over less.
So we know you're not happy. You've told us so in many, many words. There was Matt Barrie's angry Would the last person in Sydney please turn out the lights? opinion piece that kick-started it all, then the Facebook stacks-on of Mike Baird when he responded to said opinion piece.
His argument was that the reduction in drunken assaults in Sydney made the collateral damage to business and culture worth it. Melbourne's reply would be that crime in the city is falling without lockout laws, suggesting that maybe you can have the best of both worlds.
We were particularly taken, though, with this little bit of artwork from one of your citizens, Xavier Thomas, which did the rounds of social media last week. Thomas is so over it, in fact, that he's coming down here to party with the grown-ups.
Booking flights. Thanks for the idea Premier Baird!#spendingtimeinmelbournePosted by Xavier Thomas on Tuesday, February 9, 2016
"I don't want to join the crusade to change the Premier's mind," he told us. "I'm looking elsewhere. The NSW government has shut down Sydney's nightlife. It's over.
"I live thirteen minutes on the train from Sydney Airport. I've booked my first flights for a Melbourne weekend in March. While NSW is turning into a nanny state we're hearing about Melbourne's push to become a 24-hour economy. I want to be a part of that, even if it's only on weekends."
While the City of Melbourne pushes to bring more late-night arts, culture and markets to the CBD, there's a wealth of options already in place. So while you're safely tucked up in bed (or unsafely swilling goon at a house party), here's what we're up to ...
Hitting the bottle-o. Photo: Joe Armao
10.01pm
Apparently we can still handle a cheeky pinot after dark, so we're buying wine. There's a good selection of open-to-midnight bottle shops in the city suburbs, plus a few that go well beyond that. A popular spot is The Exford in the city, open until 3am, or the slightly further afield Railway Hotel in Windsor, which never shuts.
Whisky, straight. Nant Whisky Bar manager Evelyn Liong. Photo: Wayne Taylor
12.01am
We're sipping 18-year-old single malt at one of the city's flourishing whisky bars. Without Coke.
We're also keeping our late-night dining options open. While Sydneysiders might have to content themselves with Maccas or the food court at the casino in the early hours, there's no dramas here.
CBD favourites include the ever-reliable China Bar, open until 5am, and the Supper Inn, a restaurant where the aggressive blandness of the decor is matched only by the excellence of the food. Further afield is Le Bon Ton in Collingwood, of which the Good Food Guide enthuses "Ain't no party like a pre-dawn champagne, oyster and brisket party. All roads lead to this New Orleans-style absinthe saloon after 3am."
And, of course, there's kebabs and souvlakis, the mainstays of post-midnight cuisine, which apparently are falling out of favour with the bureaucrats north of the Murray. They're pretty much everywhere here (not that we're gloating). For a glimpse of a true Melbourne institution, though, try 24-hour restaurant Stalactites, where you can get a more-than-adequate souvlaki, or sit down for a proper meal and a glass of combative retsina.
James Young at one of his favourite places, Mesa Verde bar. Photo: Wayne Taylor/Getty Images
1.31am
We're walking into a licensed venue. It might be a cosy bar, it might be a heaving nightclub, but we're still allowed in. We might be heading to a gig at Yah Yah's in Fitzroy, which has a 2am slot, currently filled by Mex Australian punk band Mesa Cosa, or heading to Cherry Bar in the city for some classic rock'n'roll.
James Young, owner of Cherry, was involved in Melbourne's successful campaign against the introduction of lockout laws in 2008, and he's appalled by what's happened to Sydney's nightlife. Melbourne, he believes, has dodged a bullet.
"Creative cultures are late-night cultures," he says. "Everyone benefits from the night economy, and what we're trying to do is offer safe late-night spaces. When Frank Sinatra sang he wanted to wake up in a 'city that never sleeps', that defined a world-class city.
"It's cultural suicide to close down the late-night industries. I don't want people coming to Melbourne and knowing the casino is the only place to go – that's culturally offensive to me. Sydney is a beautiful city, but it's becoming a postcard, a one-dimensional place. Melbourne is still three-dimensional."
There should be more of those options shortly, with the Victorian government lifting a moratorium on applying for late-night licences for small venues that serve food or feature live music.
Nieuw Amsterdam. Photo: Mike Baker
3.01am
We're heading to the bar for another round. Yes, Virginia, there is life after 3am. Highly recommended venues open really late include Loch and Key, Boney, Nieuw Amsterdam and the aforementioned Le Bon Ton, the favourite of Fred Siggins, a bar and beverage consultant who is no stranger to finishing work in the wee hours.
"There's outdoor space, there's a good selection of drinks, they serve food, which is great when you've just knocked off, and it's always pretty relaxed," he says.
"Up until three Melbourne's nightlife is very vibrant. After three gets harder, but it's improving. The thing I love is the options are good ones. You don't have to cram yourself into some sweaty club or to the casino. You can go somewhere there's a positive atmosphere, a nice atmosphere. People respond very well to their environment and if you treat them like adults they'll accept it.
"The big mistake Sydney made is instead of fostering a positive drinking culture, they're eliminating it."
Twitter: @WalterTCoulter
Facebook: Michael Coulter
